Reality Roundup

I'm not quite on hiatus yet, but while I grade I'm watching TV tonight. Aaron is in LA so I'm venturing into some unusual channel turf.

I am currently watching Jessica Simpson's show "The Price of Beauty" on VH1. She's in Paris and I fear as each moment passes she further confirms my assertion that she's a complete tit. The Simp comes off as insecure (French women are "confident" and "thin", she obsesses); and even hard up ("maybe I'll fall in love in Paris"). After that comment, travel accessories Ken and CaCee (yes, that's actually how she spells "Casey") just sort of sigh and look at each other knowingly.

Despite my hating on her, or maybe because of it, I find it fun watching Jess try to act her age, all while get schooled for being a dumb American as she prepares to walk a runway in Paris. I'll be tuned in until 11:30, just on the off-chance she ends up falling on her ass.

The happy surprise of the night, and I never thought I'd say this, was Kirstie Alley's new show "Kirstie Alley's Big Life" on A&E. She's roped together this hapless entourage, which includes her 2 kids, True and Lillie, her assistant Kelly and the apprentice assistant, Kyle; then there's Jim, the handyman she plucked out of Florida to work on her manse in LA because he was fatter than she was. She and Jim have just hired an incredibly hot trainer to help them lose a combined 210 pounds.

But there's something about the tone of the show that I liked. The kids humanize her, and the pair of assistants are good foils for one another. Then there's Jim, who's a great fat foil for Kirstie. They're on this journey together. Actually, he's along for the ride, but he's adorable and sincere and counterbalances Kirstie's narcissism. She's lived in a rarefied bubble of celebrity for a long time, and Jim makes her feel relatable, as does the rest of the cast.

Or maybe it's just time for Kirstie Alley. I'm ready for a Phyllis Diller type, and with all due respect to Ms. Alley, that role in pop culture is hers for the taking. I want a coke- and cigarette-hardened, wise-cracking, yo-yo dieting crone around for me, and for my daughter, because being a woman is tough, and you need a little edge and a little humor to get through it with even a hint of grace.

And let's take a look at Kirstie Alley. Her fucking house alone tells you how successful that woman was at the height of her career. She stepped in to replace Shelley Long on "Cheers" when THAT show was at the height of its long run. She brilliantly took on the role of Rebecca Howe, playing her as all neurosis under a thin veneer of consummate professionalism. And all the while Alley was funny and played strong against a very talented and well-established comedic ensemble cast.

And although they are now, were then, and ever shall be cheesy, the "Look Who's Talking" franchise made money, and I'm sure Kirstie Alley was able to negotiate a decent contract by then.

And for a long time she's been away, appearing only like a caged animal in close-cropped paparazzi photographs on the covers of supermarket tabloids, pillioried for gaining weight. Actually, she was photographed by a paparazzo literally in a cage, while hanging out with her pet lemurs in their cage in her backyard.

But now she's taking back her power by reclaiming her image through this TV show. She sells tabloids, she can sell a show, right? Now she has one, and I'm ready to watch. "Fat Actress", not so much (I saw one episode, the Mayim Bialik one, and I was confused and put off). But "Kirstie Alley's Big Life" I'm going to keep an eye on.

Oh, and by the way, Jess managed to walk the runway. And she's actually starting to warm me up a bit. Damn, am I softening? She's talking about how confident she now feels. She found her confidence. And good for her. Suddenly it's less fun hating on her. Interesting that I feel that way after having just stuck up for Kirstie Alley. And hey, good for her setting off around the world to get some culture, as they say.

Sigh. I am actually softening :)

Oh, but wait. She's freaking out about a neti pot (steady), and then she lets out a MASSIVE belch.

Yeah, she's back to being a tit.

And I have turned the channel to watch "Jackass".