Ok, in fairness, who does?
But seriously, I've hit the end. I have no motivation. I feel like I have been kicking my own ass since about 1993 and I just don't want to play any more. Granted, it was a busy social weekend. Then today, Patricia needed a change of scene and suggested the mall. I was actually in the process of getting ready to go there myself to pick up some soap. We had brunch and did some shopping. The highlight: I splurged on a goose down pillow at IKEA. Honestly, I spend a third of my life in bed. I want a good pillow. No further justification needed.
And now, tonight, what I really really really want to do is veg out in front of the TV. NOT tackle the mountain of grading I have to deal with. NOT tackle the mountain of schoolwork that has been neglected. The worst part is that I feel like an asshole for complaining about it. I have it good! I'm finally teaching all the time, which is what I have always wanted to do. I'm thrilled to be working on my Ed.D. La vie est belle.
But what it comes down to is that I have just had enough. Now my task is to find the drive to follow through on some commitments, and then finally finally FINALLY just stop overdoing it. I want to know why I do it. But I don't know that there's an answer. So instead, I just have to STOP.
There is a balance, here, damn it.
So where is it?
10.29.2006
Halloween Weekend
The festivities continued on Saturday afternoon. I heard Amity's voice on more than one occasion yesterday, chiding me for not bringing my camera. There was lots to shoot.
After going to bed at 5 am after the Midnight Fairy party, I didn't get up until almost noon, when K called. We had plans to prepare the haunted house for his middle-school-age niece and nephew's Halloween party. Of course, I didn't make it to my Saturday class, which started at 9 am. I did get some work done though, which was the real reason I didn't go to class. Then, I headed to Walmart for supplies and Starbucks for fuel before going to K's.
All told, we had a blast. The highlight of the day for me were the Munchkins, the younger two siblings of the older kids whose friends came over for the party. They are 4 & 3, a girl and a boy, just like my brother and me. We dressed them in their costumes before we got in our own. I was a witch with devil horns and scary face make-up.
I'm not used to having THAT many kids around, nor have I been so festive on Halloween since I was probably in middle school myself. Another sad reflection on my haste to grow up. K is like a big kid about Halloween, and I really like that about him. He adores his nieces and nephews and just jumps right in to make things special for them. And they love him. The hardest thing for me about being away from home for so many years now is that I don't have my cousins or my cousins' kids; nor do I have any nieces and nephews, let alone kids of my own. They really do make the holidays special. I was happy to be a part of it.
After going to bed at 5 am after the Midnight Fairy party, I didn't get up until almost noon, when K called. We had plans to prepare the haunted house for his middle-school-age niece and nephew's Halloween party. Of course, I didn't make it to my Saturday class, which started at 9 am. I did get some work done though, which was the real reason I didn't go to class. Then, I headed to Walmart for supplies and Starbucks for fuel before going to K's.
All told, we had a blast. The highlight of the day for me were the Munchkins, the younger two siblings of the older kids whose friends came over for the party. They are 4 & 3, a girl and a boy, just like my brother and me. We dressed them in their costumes before we got in our own. I was a witch with devil horns and scary face make-up.
I'm not used to having THAT many kids around, nor have I been so festive on Halloween since I was probably in middle school myself. Another sad reflection on my haste to grow up. K is like a big kid about Halloween, and I really like that about him. He adores his nieces and nephews and just jumps right in to make things special for them. And they love him. The hardest thing for me about being away from home for so many years now is that I don't have my cousins or my cousins' kids; nor do I have any nieces and nephews, let alone kids of my own. They really do make the holidays special. I was happy to be a part of it.
10.28.2006
Midnight Fairy
It's 4 am. I went to a Halloween Party at a club downtown. It was "hosted" by a famous retired basketball star. I went as a Midnight Fairy. The costume was totally last minute and it worked. But the wings were a pain in the ass in the crowd.
10.26.2006
Self Portrait (Long Day)
I'm a tough critic of my work. I'm a tough critic of pictures of me. However, there's hope for me. I think each shot gets better. This is the last one.
10.25.2006
Early Rising
I never get up early, but today I have a world to conquer. A pile of work to do, as always. I've spent a lot of time in recent months anesthetizing myself in quiet moments. Not sleeping right, not being productive. Oblivion is beautiful, but there are only so many moments in our lives. I've spent enough of them there already.
Compounding this problem is that I tend to procrastinate. Badly. There is great need for balance in all things. I realize that work is what sustains life. It gives meaning (for me at least. I love my job(s)). It provides material comforts. But it becomes a cross to bear when I martyr myself to it.
I'm tired of doing this.
I can have a "normal" schedule
and,
wait for it,
THRIVE?
on it.
Imagine that.
But in fairness, I'm motivated by a feeling that the universe is truly opening up (the mantra that kept me going in uncertain times three years ago). I've left a truly suffocating but highly necessary stint in corporate cubicle land for 5 jobs as an adjunct instructor and graduate assistant. It's insane, and I have already taken steps to reign this in for next semester. But it feels good to be alive, I'll tell you what.
And of course, I'm also basking in the light of something both new and familiar. A friendship that's changing my consciousness. A sharp mind that engages and volleys with mine. It's nice, it's overdue, and I want to enjoy it, to collapse into it while my self remains intact. And I want this without the vagaries of the workaday world hovering like a cutlass over my head.
I've left my secure job. I've opened up my home (highly unusual), and my mind (even MORE unusual) to some happy possibilities.
I'm cracking holes into some strong thick walls.
And the sunlight is gorgeous.
I just have to remember to keep breathing.
Compounding this problem is that I tend to procrastinate. Badly. There is great need for balance in all things. I realize that work is what sustains life. It gives meaning (for me at least. I love my job(s)). It provides material comforts. But it becomes a cross to bear when I martyr myself to it.
I'm tired of doing this.
I can have a "normal" schedule
and,
wait for it,
THRIVE?
on it.
Imagine that.
But in fairness, I'm motivated by a feeling that the universe is truly opening up (the mantra that kept me going in uncertain times three years ago). I've left a truly suffocating but highly necessary stint in corporate cubicle land for 5 jobs as an adjunct instructor and graduate assistant. It's insane, and I have already taken steps to reign this in for next semester. But it feels good to be alive, I'll tell you what.
And of course, I'm also basking in the light of something both new and familiar. A friendship that's changing my consciousness. A sharp mind that engages and volleys with mine. It's nice, it's overdue, and I want to enjoy it, to collapse into it while my self remains intact. And I want this without the vagaries of the workaday world hovering like a cutlass over my head.
I've left my secure job. I've opened up my home (highly unusual), and my mind (even MORE unusual) to some happy possibilities.
I'm cracking holes into some strong thick walls.
And the sunlight is gorgeous.
I just have to remember to keep breathing.
10.24.2006
Sick Mojo
Sunday I got home after being in Wisconsin and Mojo was acting sick. After 7+ years, you learn the signs. She has had digestive issues in the past, so I assumed that's what it was. I gave her some hairball medicine and waited for the dookie to hit the bathroom floor. Or the shower. I know. I know.
When I got up Monday morning though, I noticed a dried blood-colored discharge in the fur outside her ear.
Ack.
Now, I have no reason when it comes to Mojo, only emotion. Non-cat people might dismiss this as the sentimentality of a woman who is warned all too often, and not entirely in jest, that she is at risk of becoming a crazy old woman with too many cats. However, those with some compassion and perhaps a little backstory on the road Mojo and I have traveled together for better than 7 years can understand.
Part of the issue too is that Mojo is the worst patient in the history of feline veterinary medicine. She was gravely ill as a kitten and only survived due to her ornery temperament. She hates vets, hates being handled, hates the cat carrier and the car. I'm the only one who has any luck with her and I still often end up looking like I've been hacking at myself with nail scissors after running afoul of Mojo's claws.
I warned everyone at the Animal Hospital of Mojo's history of vet-xploits when we arrived. Wisely, the vet and his assistants listened to me. We did not, for example, take Mojo's temperature using the rectal thermometer. That would have been an amateurish mistake, one that I know better than to make after all this time. We pick our battles with Mojo, and her intensely-infected ear was all that we could hope to conquer that day. And we did.
Ninety dollars and two bottles of medicine later, we left the vet. In another wise move, they all agreed that I would have the best luck cleaning out the gunk from her ear. Riiiiight. First of all, the geniuses at Virbac Animal Health products, makers of Epi-Otic Ear Cleaner for Dogs, Puppies, Cats, and Kittens, created an effective product. BUT IT SMELLS LIKE LEMONS! Now, I love anything lemon scented, personally, but cats HATE it. I mean loathe, detest, and run the other way from anything that smells of citrus. Why would one make lemon scented ear wash for animals that hate the smell of lemons? Seriously, guys. Make it tuna-scented and you might save hapless pet parents like me a little cat scratch fever.
The debris in her ear is by and large cleaned up now, though I try a bit more before the twice-daily application of her medicated ear drops. These have to be refrigerated (again, great idea. Let's put COLD liquid in a cat's ear). But I can warm that up by putting it in my pocket before using it. The first cleaning-and-medicating attempt was a disaster, ending with me on my knees in front of the toilet, upon which Mojo sat, sobbing at her feet when she wouldn't let me help her. I cried probably 4 times yesterday, which I'd like to blame on PMS but really can't. Oddly enough though, sobbing works with this cat, and she actually relented. A little.
I worry that if I'm this upset over my cat, what will I be like if I have kids?
Ack.
But, persistence and some Pounce treats are paying off. Somewhat. Here's Mojo with her fur sticky with ear drops. We'll get through it.
10.22.2006
10.19.2006
Happy Birthday Patticakes!
A favorite pic from the Summer o' Fun at Bahney's. Here's to the Fall o' Responsibility, and a rockin' girls' weekend in Wisconsin :)
Love ya!
10.17.2006
under the willow tree
By the pond in my backyard. I thought it was alive at first. I thought about rabies and it startled me. I ran away, back toward the building. But when I thought about it, the animal . . . if it were alive, it would have run or attacked me long before I ever knew it were there.
So I went back, and got more and more bold and so I got more and more close to the raccoon. It looks like it died at the door of its home, outside the door of my home.
10.16.2006
empire
on the ruins of a roadtrip tattoo nine years earlier, rose up in 2005 my new tattoo. you can still see the old one in the inside of the circle on the right. i plan to cover it up. but i like seeing what was there. for now.
Workspace
Start at the bottom left, the small picture of two people. I'm saying goodbye to my mother at 5 am, the day I left for the Midwest. In front of it, in the foreground, what I smoke. Propel bottle for hydration.
Laptop. Coconuts in the DR, Amity on Skype, me in that little window somewhere. Am I there? And the eye of the camera.
Like the eye on the wall. Blue glass, evil eye charm, Turkish. Found in New Hampshire. Orthodox icon of the Madonna and Child above it. Below, on either side of the eye, a pair of icons from Venezuela.
Between the icons, for Mary, for the Day of the Dead. A blonde with a camera and a fabulous dress. Tia, para ti. And a small one from JS. For the mother in me, she said.
Y La Virgen de Guadaloupe, con flores. A candle since Iowa, the original, para esperanza. And forgetting things done. And for getting things done.
10.13.2006
living doll
Alitas and I are working from home today. Neither of us are working on work for work, but rather for those projects we love. Actually, I'm biding my time before lunch and shopping this afternoon with Z & P. Then, a first date tonight . . . .
So we're discussing the 16-year-old girl Alitas is mentoring while the girl is unable to attend school. She is on bed rest due to complications with her pregnancy. My head wants to explode every time I imagine this child preparing to be a mother. I'm a dozen years older than she and I worry every day about ever being ready for that responsibility and commitment.
But what concerns me isn't even so much this girl. It's her child. This life will be completely dependent upon a child who is still too young and too inexperienced to be able to take care of herself. The mother-to-be has received support from a number of quarters, one was from someone we know who was a young single mother too. She wrote a gorgeous, sincere, and very moving letter as one scared girl to another.
There was one comment though with which I took issue. Our friend commented that the baby will be the best company a woman could have. I completely understand the spirit in which this was intended, and I think it's beautiful on a certain level. But at the same time, to me, this puts an enormous strain on the child. The responsibility to be the companion to one's parent could deprive a child of his or her autonomy. It could also create a situation in which the emotional relationship between mother and child shifts, and becomes unhealthy.
Believe it or not, there was a recent South Park episode about this. Cartman's already-sociopathic behavior was out of control. Finally, a "pet whisperer" came in to "train" Cartman and his mother, rather humorously, as if he were a naughty puppy. It worked. Cartman began to behave, but the episode twists. When his mother is rejected emotionally by the pet specialist (to whom she had grown attached) at the end of the episode, she refocuses all of that previously-unhealthy emotional weight back on her son. We see the old bad boy, who has learned to manipulate as he's manipulated, returning to the surface.
This is not to say that this girl will go the same route, but it was a chilling episode, and very real. I'm not a mother, but I do hope to be one someday. And the weight of just trying to not screw up the kid is staggering. I suppose we all just do the best we can.
So we're discussing the 16-year-old girl Alitas is mentoring while the girl is unable to attend school. She is on bed rest due to complications with her pregnancy. My head wants to explode every time I imagine this child preparing to be a mother. I'm a dozen years older than she and I worry every day about ever being ready for that responsibility and commitment.
But what concerns me isn't even so much this girl. It's her child. This life will be completely dependent upon a child who is still too young and too inexperienced to be able to take care of herself. The mother-to-be has received support from a number of quarters, one was from someone we know who was a young single mother too. She wrote a gorgeous, sincere, and very moving letter as one scared girl to another.
There was one comment though with which I took issue. Our friend commented that the baby will be the best company a woman could have. I completely understand the spirit in which this was intended, and I think it's beautiful on a certain level. But at the same time, to me, this puts an enormous strain on the child. The responsibility to be the companion to one's parent could deprive a child of his or her autonomy. It could also create a situation in which the emotional relationship between mother and child shifts, and becomes unhealthy.
Believe it or not, there was a recent South Park episode about this. Cartman's already-sociopathic behavior was out of control. Finally, a "pet whisperer" came in to "train" Cartman and his mother, rather humorously, as if he were a naughty puppy. It worked. Cartman began to behave, but the episode twists. When his mother is rejected emotionally by the pet specialist (to whom she had grown attached) at the end of the episode, she refocuses all of that previously-unhealthy emotional weight back on her son. We see the old bad boy, who has learned to manipulate as he's manipulated, returning to the surface.
This is not to say that this girl will go the same route, but it was a chilling episode, and very real. I'm not a mother, but I do hope to be one someday. And the weight of just trying to not screw up the kid is staggering. I suppose we all just do the best we can.
10.04.2006
miss behavin'
I got in trouble yesterday.
Third speeding ticket in one month's time.
One of them knocked it down though
to a seat belt violation.
Down to two moving.
This latest one was a killer though. For some reason,
my current state of residence has an arcane speed limit
of
55
mph
on
the
INTERSTATES
in this metropolitan area.
I was caught driving on said interstate at a rate of 92 miles per hour.
92 in a 55.
There will be a court date, and if I'm lucky, a full 8 hours of traffic school with a reasonable fine.
*sigh*
I'm finally broken. I was in a rage about being yoked, pulling away from the state trooper and trying to drive 70 mph and feeling like I was suffocating. But what can I do?
*sigh*
ain't misbehavin'
i'm savin' . . .
Third speeding ticket in one month's time.
One of them knocked it down though
to a seat belt violation.
Down to two moving.
This latest one was a killer though. For some reason,
my current state of residence has an arcane speed limit
of
55
mph
on
the
INTERSTATES
in this metropolitan area.
I was caught driving on said interstate at a rate of 92 miles per hour.
92 in a 55.
There will be a court date, and if I'm lucky, a full 8 hours of traffic school with a reasonable fine.
*sigh*
I'm finally broken. I was in a rage about being yoked, pulling away from the state trooper and trying to drive 70 mph and feeling like I was suffocating. But what can I do?
*sigh*
ain't misbehavin'
i'm savin' . . .
10.02.2006
change
I've not edited this site in months. I want to change the name, change the idea, but it's toujours appropriate. So many things have changed again. I'm not coping well. Lots of stress is nothing new, but I'm coping differently.
Sorting it all out. Trying to find balance.
Sorting it all out. Trying to find balance.
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