John Henry

I will not sleep until P2IP1 is graded. I want to do P3IP1, but I think that's pushing it. But we'll see. I anticipate seeing the sun rise if I do. I have to get to Waukegan to teach for noon, and then prep for my 7 pm. Tomorrow would be hell, but I could sleep it off in less than 24 hours.

I need to do this.

I resigned my assistantship on Monday, as of November 15. That will be a huge weight off. Now I wish I could drop one of the three courses I'm taking, but I think it's too late. After I barrel through this last week of the term at CTU, and FINALLY put this damned grading to bed, I'll be down to two sections there instead of three next term. I think I can handle all of that and MAYBE even pull this semester out of the fire as a student.

However, I had a frustrating interaction via email with one of my instructors today. I know that she means well, but she sent a rather scolding email about my having missed class on Saturday without giving her any notice. I don't need to be scolded, and I told her that. I also explained myself, and that I accept the consequences of not being there. I don't want to rehash the whole thing, but it's another indication that I'm not only beyond over-committed, but that I'm dropping the ball all over the place. And I hate that. I'm sure all of this leads to my being demotivated, which only exacerbates the problems even more. Grr.

However, the B or C I get in that class will be worth it. See, I'm realizing, through several lessons the universe is sending me all at once, that certain themes will always recur until you FINALLY just address them already. For instance, I had to chill out behind the wheel. Three speeding tickets, an accident, and a major system failure in my Hyundai --- all within about 5 weeks --- finally got that through to me. Thank you, Universe!

I'm also learning that I have some serious baggage related to past relationships. Now, I know you're thinking, "Right, Beagan, who doesn't?" And yes, I agree that it is impossible to hit the age of 25 and not bear some battle scars. But what I haven't been able to see is just how many patterns just keep repeating themselves. I'm also complete rubbish when it comes to talking about any of that, which frustrates me intensely. I like to think of myself as pretty articulate, but I just don't have words about the most important things and it's been challenging lately. Thank you, K!

And finally, the workload. I keep thinking of the legend of John Henry, the steel-drivin' man. He's the guy who went head-to-head with some steam-powered hammer in constructing a railroad line. He beat the machine, but the story goes that his heart exploded at the finish line.

He won. But he died.

F@*k that, my friends.

I ain't no steel-drivin' man.

So maybe all I'll get is P2IP1 done tonight. Then tomorrow I can stay up late again for P3IP1. Maybe I'll get a C instead of a B in some of these classes. My current 4.0 GPA will sustain me. Again, f@*k it, both the classes and the GPA. What good is it if I'm miserable, exhausted, and strung out? I don't need to do this!

I wonder if John Henry had the same thought as he was driving those spikes.

Or, as his body failed?